OK, I’m dialing the phone now, because I feel really stressed, and the new research from people who study what you’re supposed to do when you’re bummed say — surprise! — that the female way of doing things is superior. Suppressing my instinct to fight or take flight, I’m going to “tend and befriend” instead.

WHY IS IT that researchers find it necessary to clog up their conclusions with silly alliterations and phony rhyme-song so that they end up sounding like Walt “Clyde” Frazier shaking and baking and scuffling and shuffling his way across the airwaves during a New York Knicks broadcast? Never mind. Back to my stress. I’ve got my friend Pete on the phone. I tell him that I feel really stressed out, that I’ve had a really bad day.

“Get over it,” he advises.

And there you have it. Even when a bummed-out guy tries to do a little tending and befriending, he’s hard pressed to find someone willing to be tended and befriended. If a guy has trouble listening to his wife’s litany of woes, why is it going to be any easier with a friend?

Let’s back up a little. In case you missed it, much has been made of some recent research, scheduled to be published later this year, that found that women react to stress differently than men do, turning to their children and seeking out friends instead of summoning up the “fight-or-fight” reflex commonly used by men. (Notice that the researchers made no mention of women seeking out their husbands or boyfriends when troubled.)

The study, which looked at several hundred previous studies on rats, primates and humans, suggests that the tend and befriend strategy calms women. The researchers, from the University of California at Los Angeles, say the response may explain why women are less likely to self-medicate with drugs or alcohol and have fewer stress-related disorders, such as hypertension, than men.

Some have gone so far as to suggest that the gender difference in life span — women live on average about seven and a half years longer than men — may be related to different coping styles.
FUSSING AND FIGHTING

Many studies have shown that females of a variety of species, when facing a predator, crisis or just a bad hair day tend to respond by fussing over their children or offspring and seeking support from others, particularly other females.

Men and the males of many other species, by contrast, puff up their chests and stand their ground — fight — or hit the road. Dr. Jean Chen Shih, a professor of molecular pharmacology and toxicology at the University of Southern California, says male mice she has studied will fight an intruder placed in their cage but females will not.

Now, it’s not difficult to see the utility of the male response to trouble — or at least how it evolved. Females generally have some tough jobs — giving birth and all that — but males historically have been expected to be protectors. Nature seems to mediate the different behaviors. The UCLA researchers, for instance, say the different coping styles may be linked to the hormone oxytocin, which is released during stress and makes both rats and humans calmer, less afraid and more sociable. Both men and women secrete the hormone, but other male hormones diminish its effect, while the female hormone estrogen amplifies it.

Are you caught in the stress cycle?

So what are men supposed to make of this information? Chen believes they could take a page from the women’s stress coping manual when facing a crisis and seek out others. As modern creatures who no longer need to fend off marauding Visigoths, we could seek the chilling-out effects of talk and comradeship.

But the fact is biology will get in the way. “There’s a biological basis for the difference in coping styles,” says Brian B. Doyle, a clinical professor of psychiatry and family medicine at Georgetown Medical School.

And really, what’s so great about female passivity? If I were a rat and some stranger came sniffing around my cage, would I really want to deal with the threat by petting my babies and clustering around a bunch of other frightened females while the intruder makes off with our kibble?

A MARRIAGE BONUS

So what will work for men? Talking with buddies is not likely to reduce stress levels, but nesting with a certain special someone can. Married men live a lot longer than unmarried men, primarily because of the soothing effects of their special tender-befriender.

Men can also do a variation on the fight/flight response. They can burn the same number of calories they would in grappling or fleeing by working out — and reduce, not increase, stress.

The point is, of course, you can never review any of this research in a vacuum. Take another recent study, which received far less attention.

According to researchers at the University of Michigan, when women are sad or mad — stressed, in other words — they’re more likely than men to repeatedly mull over their problems. “The gender differences were quite pronounced,” says psychologist Susan Nolen-Hoeksema, who conducted the study. “Women’s stronger emotional ties to others, compared to men’s, may contribute to their tendency to ruminate.”

As for men … well, Nolen-Hoeksema found that when men are upset they’re more likely to grab a beer. And as long as it’s done in moderation, this shows that even when they’re ticked off, men know how to have a little fun.